To Love
by Kou-kun
Summary: Sasuke recalls his most ugly memories and as Christmas approaches, he regrets his own decisions. But it must be done. He must relive those events and set his heart free.
1. Prologue December 21rst, 1998

Sakura pouted girlishly as she walked- almost tiptoed- across the bridge. She was 7 years old, balancing waveringly on the rail of the cement bridge, focusing on the frozen waters below. Her abnormally pink hair swirled around her face, clashing with her emerald green eyes as she looked up at the sky. It was cloudy and blotched with white, tiny speckles of cold snow flowing down gracefully. Sakura stopped walking, putting her arms down from balancing, and giggled happily to her companion.  
  
"Sasuke-kun! It's SNOWING!" She jumped down from the railing, cheerfully twirling in the safe middle of the bridge, her arms outstretched to the sky. She watched her breath come out in puffs of swirling grey, evaporating into the dark night air. The young boy beside her shrugged, grabbing her arm. HIs black hair stayed in place as he ran, dragging Sakura with him, and he left the bridge area. She wriggled out of his grasp and stood where she was, frowning childishly at him.  
  
"Sakura-- come ON." he said, continuing towards the row of houses ahead of them. The pink-haired child shook her head firmly.  
  
"No!"   
  
"Sakura--" Sasuke paused, annoyed. "We have to get to my HOUSE- Remember?? For Christmas DINNER." He spoke as if he was disgusted.  
  
"If you hate it so much then why do you want to get there so fast?" She ran back to the river, not onto the bridge but the ice itself. She turned. "And whatcha got against snow anyways?" She skipped along, hopping from spot to spot on the shallow ice. The boy watched her for a moment and then turned toward his house, frowning as usual. He heard the crunching of snow and ice behind him as Haruno Sakura continued to play on the ice. He sighed as he thought of the worthless dinner ahead of him, Listening to his parents hail his older brother Itachi-- and their close friends, the Haruno family, agreeing with them. Even Sakura, the little Haruno girl that was his age, annoyed him.  
  
"I'll tell your parents you said hi." He said grudgingly, hearing another loud crunch behind him as Sakura jumped. He sighed again and continued on his way, his own footsteps drowning out the sounds behind him. As Sasuke reached the main street, he turned, opening his mouth to yell for Sakura again. He paused, squinting, his mouth still open. He searched for his aquaintence, the sounds of her playful activities ceased. Subconciously, he called out.   
  
"Sakura?" His voice projected far for a young boy, but he still heard no reply. He ran a little closer to the river, and stopped again, searching the ice. Finally, he found it. A dark spot.  
  
A dark, wet spot.  
  
A dark, wet spot with jagged edges- gurgling menacingly as a cold, white-blue hand reached up, grasping for a lifeline. Sasuke ran as fast as his legs could carry him towards the hand, sliding to the edge and grabbing the tips of Sakura's fingers just as she slipped all the way under. He pulled, her wet hand sliding out between his grasp.   
  
"Sakura!" He yelled, plunging his arm into the water and grabbing her arm, as he had earlier when he tried to pry her from the bridge. He pulled with everything he had, not willing to let her die. He paused at this point in thought- If she had been so annoying, why was he trying so hard to save her? In his hesatance, she slipped again, and he fished both arms in to grab for her. He fell in with, hair swirling in front of his face as he grabbed aimlessly in the water.  
  
'Sakura..' his thoughts dazed, and he grabbed onto her arm, pulling her, pushing himself, up, up, up. He pushed her out above him first, and then climbed over the edge, his nonfunctional legs still dangling in the frozen temperatures of the river. He screamed, sobbing.   
  
"Help! Somebody help her!" He had not noticed the tips of his fingers turning blue, he had not noticed his legs, nonfunctional. He didn't notice anything. He watched with wide eyes as a villiager came across the bridge and jumped down towards them. Sasuke snapped at the stranger as he pulled the rest of his legs out of the water.   
  
"No, her first, help her.. help her..." He blacked out. When he awoke he was wrapped in a blanket, leaning against a post on the bridge as, out of the corner of his eye, the Haruno family took a crying girl into their arms. "Sakura..." He mumbled, and her green eyes caught his for only an instant before a thought struck him.  
  
"W...where is my family? Where are they?" Everything was silenced. Sakura could not hear him. It was by chance that she caught his eye, walking away, hand in hand with her loving parents. It was by chance that she peered at him in that moment to see the deepest emotion he would ever feel. Rejection. He pushed himself to his feet, wavering for a moment as he looked around dizzily. Finally, as he leaned against the railing for support, he saw Itachi standing there, a menacing sneer on his face.   
  
"So why did you save her?" He teased, heartlessly glaring at him. "Do you loooove Sakura-chan?" He chuckled and pushed his little brother on, Sasuke stumbling as he went. Itachi pushed him the whole way. It was convienent to the older boy that Sasuke was so disoriented, he didn't notice the blood. The blood, that was staining his shirt, working it's way through pores into HIS blood, HIS body, HIS chakra... it was his now to own and control. His eyes permanently fixated with Sharingan from that point on.   
  
Itachi was the one to push Sasuke through the door as the boy stumbled over something.   
  
"Oomph." The boy grunted, turning his head towards what tripped him. He was too weak to stand up again, although his older brother kicked him and growled at him.   
  
"Get up." Sasuke's vision swirled dizzily as he stood, only to fall again. His eyes turned to what had tripped him as he'd walked through the door, and finally his vision cleared and adjusted just enough to realize what he was looking at. His eyes widened and Itachi cackled, his laughter booming through the house. The dark, empty house, whose residents had faithfully lived in it for generations. The Uchiha home. Sasuke blinked, tears being held in as he processed everything that had happened in the recent night. He opened his eyes again, his heart breaking as he bore into the dead eyes of the entity over which he had tripped. More rather, entities.  
  
His parents.  
  
A/N-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
My first story back! Cheer for me! So that's it for the prologue. More of this confusing little tidbit will be explained, and these events have biiig consequences in my story plan. Tee-Hee. Eventually, I plan to make this a Christmas story. R&R!!   
  
-Kounouri 


	2. December 21rst, 2003

Sasuke woke up calmly, though the memories still vividly pressed against the edges of his mind. He stared out his window at the trees surrounding his house, almost bare of leaves. He felt torn inside, as he always did after that dream. For once his expression rendered the emotion he felt, a twisted frown of holding back tears. Home was the only place where he showed his emotions, around others, even those he 'cared' about, he wore a stone mask. He hid everything. After such an irregularily vivid dream especially, he cherished home, where he could lose himself in thought without that protection nagging at the corners and ends of his thoughts.   
  
He thought of the last time he'd seen his brother. He remembered what he'd been thinking...  
  
'I'll never love another or show my care. It hurts both them and me.' He'd seen the pitiful looks the Haruno family gave him, and how even they drifted away. He'd been forced to move from the big Uchiha house, but he was greatful- He couldn't stand to see the bloodstains. Even then, he somewhat admired his brother for not caring. Then maybe he wouldn't feel this pain- and he'd cared for Sakura. Even Itachi had seen it. Maybe if he hadn't tried to save her he would have gotten home in time to save his parents. One thing always tugged at this resent for her, and he always quickly washed it away. Sakura was the only thing he HAD been able to save that night. She was the only thing that distracted him enough to slow him down and save him from the same fate as his family.   
  
Sasuke shook his head, clearing his thoughts and shrugging away his care. His pain, as it did every morning, became numb again and he left his bedroom normally, his step quieter so that he could hear every squeak out of place. The floor was hardwood under his feet. He could wash everything away if he needed to. he crossed his open living room to the kitchennette, only a small area of the main room and a counter/island to eat at. Sasuke opened the fridge and took out the milk, pouring a packet of oatmeal into a bowl before mixing the two together and microwaving it.   
  
As he waited for his breakfast to cook, Sasuke glanced at the clock. It was 7:30am. He still had time- if he got ready fast enough- to train before he and his team met at 9:00am at the bridge. Thinking of the all-familiar bridge, Sasuke jumped, a memory flashing before his eyes. Sakura. The snow. And then it was gone. He shook his head for the second time and turned to the microwave, opening it a few seconds before it beeped. He ate in silence, for there was no one to talk to. It was a flavourless meal, oatmeal, but it was strengthening enough. He finished cleaning up and returned to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready.   
  
By 8:00 he was dressed, washed, fed and ready to face the world. Sasuke ran a hand through his hair one last time, his face rendering expressionless as he did so. The day was about to begin. His eyes opened again as black heartless pits, no longer shining with emotion. His lips were a tight line, not hanging carelessly open in pouting thought. He was stone again. He was glaring again. He stepped out the door and fumbled for his keys, and as he remembered again the bloodmarks on the old door, he left it unlocked, whether in haste or decision.   
  
The weather was mercifully cold that day for him. Sasuke overworked himself in his early morning training to take his mind of the dreams and memories which were so abnormally vivid. By the time 9:00 came rolling around, he was sweating and flushed although it was cold. He took a shortcut to the bridge- which was coincedentally the meeting place of the team on which both Sakura and Sasuke were on. Sakura had never walked along the edges since. He arrived, dry again from his slow walk. It was only a few minutes past nine and neither of his teammates had arrived. He walked cautiously up to the bridge, leaning his elbows on the railing. He stared downwards at the frozen river, the ice a mirror of the day 5 years before.  
  
It was a day exactly like the present when it happened. Sasuke tried to shake the thoughts away but they persisted unmercifully. His vehement thoughts were unbeatable.. They went on forever. The ice, the temperature, the sky.. it was all the same.. Sasuke shuddered as he thought of that day so long ago... It was in December, he recalled, just like the current month... it was... it was...  
  
"It was today...." Sakura appeared behind him, mimicking his thoughts. He turned and stifled an expression of shock, and then continued on coolly.   
  
"I know." She stared at him- into him, into his unprotected eyes.   
  
"I dreamed about it." Sakura said, Sitting down in front of the railing, facing him with an uncharacteristic calm. She turned her head away sadly, staring down the path into the villiage. Sasuke nodded, but realized that she was not looking at him and had to choke up words.  
  
"I.. I know." He avoided her eye when she turned back to him. There was silence for a good part of a half hour, before their last companion Naruto arrived.   
  
"Ohayo Minna-san.." He yelled, stooping to pick up his bag, which he had dropped running. He fumbled with the zipper and took out a booklet, before continuing his walk towards the bridge. He waved the booklet in the air and grinned. "Iruuuuka-sensei gave me this! It's a list of Ramen places that are having Christmas parties!" Sakura and Sasuke turned to him quietly and watched as he ran into Kakashi, who had appeared in a puff just in front of the short, blonde-haired boy. Naruto was about to fall, his arms flailing, But the Jounin sensei Hatake Kakashi caught him.   
  
"Sensei... You're early.." Sakura said quietly, a tone of confusion in her voice. The older man chuckled.   
  
"So I am. But I stayed at my.. er.. mom's last night for a Christmas dinner and she... err... woke me up.. early... " Kakashi trailed off and there were a few seconds of silence before Sakura stood up, brushing herself off. She was only half listening to Naruto babble on to his teacher and teammates.   
  
"I almost forgot how close Christmas was.... What is it, the 21rst today? Anyways..." The blonde talked on as his team walked with him towards a forest clearing, and Sakura was again reminded of the memorial date. She grabbed Sasuke's sleeve weakly and he paused with her, letting the two others walk on a few feet. Then she started whispering.   
  
"I got you something..." she said, fishing through her kunai compartment as Sasuke stared on, apperently unemotional. She pulled a seemingly normal kunai and gave it to him, but as Sasuke looked at it closer he found it to be far from normal. It was silver- pure, it looked like- and was engraved with the tiny image of an angel, shards of light, and.. something else... pouring from her.   
  
"It's ice." Sakura said, noticing Sasuke's interest in the engraved shards. She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, staring at him and blushing afterwards as his 'expressionless' face continued to stare down at the kunai. Had he not noticed? Sakura frowned, and then cleared her expression. Her stone hard eyes were the only thing he saw of her as she stormed away off the bridge, hair flinging. He stared after her for a moment, then continued on, placing the kunai carefully into his pocket.   
  
Sakura focused exceptionally on her training that day. She never once let her mind wander in fear of memories or emotions returning to overwhelm her. She was uninterruptedly stern at eating her lunch and returned to training immediately. Her movements were vehement and jerky, but her eyes- oh her eyes, gave her away. She was hurt. Sasuke appeared not to care, stared past the eyes into the distances beyond and behind his pink haired affiliate. Sakura's other team mates noticed almost right away- but didn't say anthing until after lunch.  
  
"Sakura." No answer.   
  
"Sakura-chaaaan..." Again, silence.  
  
"SAKURA-CHAN."   
  
"Sakura Sakura Sakura Sakura Sakurraaaaaaa-CHAN!" Kakashi sang, dancing in front of Sakura as she sat underneath a tree. When for a fourth time she didn't answer him, the taller man stooped in front of her face and poked at her shoulder.   
  
"Daaaaijobu Desu Ka*?" He hummed, and the girl nodded politely. He frowned. "No, you aren't. I know it."   
  
"Then why did you ask?" Sakura snapped, standing up in front of him. She brushed herself off and faced Kakashi directly as he stood up aswell. "Leave me alone." She stormed off and ran into Naruto, pushing him back towards Kakashi and heading home. Naruto rubbed his arm and mumbled as he walked to Kakashi.   
  
"Isn't someone acting like SASUKE today." He said, and Kakashi folded his arms comically as he nodded. Sakura had heard, and stood still, her fist clenched and her eye twitching. She raised her arm high and brought it down, the colours of an early Sakura showing through. A Sakura before the Chuunin exams. A Sakura from before Orochimaru, and before Sasuke's curse, and before seriousness. She paused, inches away from Naruto's head. She sighed, dropping her arms in surrender.   
  
"Sorry." She mumbled, and turned to walk home once more as Naruto and Kakashi stood dumbfounded. Sasuke jumped down from a tree above them, and gave Naruto a light slap o the back ofthe head for his comment.   
  
"I don't act like THAT." He gumbled, and turned in the opposite direction for the shortcut home. The sun was setting and Kakashi's head was swirling with unusual confusion. Naruto, who had returned almost instantly to his before-serious self, thought merely of Ramen to clear his odd-day state of mind.   
  
"C'mon." Kakashi mumbled, "I'll buy." And so the two danced towards the Ichiraku in the ere of the setting sun. It was left to the two, blue and red, boy and girl, stone and emotion, Sasuke and Sakura... to sort their own problems.   
  
  
  
Sakura stormed up her porch stairs and ripped open her door, happy to be home. Finally. She cursed God for the day, she hated it, She resented it. She passed through the kitchen and heated up some leftovers from the night before, fiddling with her fingers and various things on her counter. She ate in an unsettling, silent lack of peace. That morning bothered her more than words could say and she just wanted her parents to return home from work and take her mind off things. She remembered, though, that it was the day. The day five years before when she had fallen through the ice, the day her parents would fuss and fret and talk about nothing but make her remember.  
  
About Sasuke.  
  
About Life.  
  
About God, and Miracles, and everything she couldn't handle right now.   
  
It was later, maybe 11:30, when Sakura's parents finally returned. She was already sitting in her room, laying in bed, turned away from her door, when they came up to check on her. She saw their shadows standing in the doorway, and closed her eyes tightly until she heard the door click shut. Only then did she open her eyes, turn on her lamp, and open her scrapbook. To the day. The very day... when, before her and Sasuke left, Her mother had taken a picture. In it, Sakura was sitting on the porch, bundled up in a coat and hat, sitting on the railing and swinging her short legs as she stared upwards at the sky. Sasuke was leaning against the railing behind her, his hands folded across his chest, and his eyes staring straight forward. Five years had passed and nothing had changed. Sakura still looked up to the heavens in hope of a fairy tale and Sasuke looked constantly forward to the day when he would defeat his brother.  
  
  
  
In truth, they were alike. Sasuke thought this as he lay in bed and stared up to his cieling. He and his brother were both 'heartless' and fierce, proud bearers of the Uchiha name. They both did not care for others as long as they got where they were going. But the biggest thing, he pondered, was the way the went about it. Sasuke had faked it all his life in jealousy, his hatred was a mask, as he proved that day, saving Sakura. In a way, she was an angel, sent to prove to him that he was not low like his brother. Not evil like Itachi. Despite this, they were blood. Itachi had bound himself, controlled himself, taken for himself the blood of the Uchiha that day when it had stained his hands. And now, five years later, Sasuke still shared that blood and was controlled by it for as long as Itachi was alive, as long as his hands were alive and stained. For this Sasuke must stain his hands with the blood, take control of it himself. There was no other way.  
  
Except to bind himself to another. To love is to set yourself in a different mix of the red liquid that is life. It is to take an intangible thing and hold onto it. To love is to join, but to love is also to separate. Sasuke, to love, to bind, must stain himself with the blood of his family. If he were ever to love, Fate would take it's toll and he, like Itachi, would live on after murder just to remove himself and control. It was a world of difference. Sasuke would forever carry the blood of his brother if he were not to take the love and the life of another. To love was to kill, to love was to separate with the bind of contradiction. It was the downfall. Sasuke cursed himself that day as he saved Sakura. He cursed himself to a life of constant contreversy of his hidden compassion. The stone mask was a savior and a demon in one.   
  
The blood of an angel could not mix with that of a demon.   
  
A/N -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Sorry guys, it's a short chapter. But I'm just starting off in this writing thing again. At least this way chapters will come out fast. I have a few things planned out and hopefully it turns out the way I want it to.... R&R if you like..... Happy Birthday to me in 13 1/2 days ^^;;  
  
-Kounouri 


	3. December 24th, 2003

yurimi-neko - I'm in grade eight now at Winston Churchill in Chatham..... Why??  
  
------------------------------------  
  
It was a simple solution, Sasuke thought. He would let his brother win. He carried the blood of his brother forever and the 'only way' to escape was to kill another in their binding. But loss was another matter. In recent days Sasuke had ran over his mind times over about his ambition to kill his brother. It would solve nothing. He would still take the blood in of a murderer and that was something Sasuke was to avoid at all times. It was in the late hours of the night, or more rather, the early hours of the morning that Sasuke's plan had unfolded beautifully in his mind. He had not been in a drunken stupor like others who had chosen the same fate. And here he sat in his home, with the door unlocked, the bloodstains on his carpet flashing through his mind, even though they were not there.   
  
Not yet.  
  
Here he sat, his kunai in hand. The one she had given him, the one, the pink-haired, green eyed one of angelic ere. The shards flying out from her anger that he had left her in. Maybe that would ease her pain, or maybe it would ease his. The argument. All this, he deducted, was to save her in the long run. She had told him many times over that living to kill was not a life at all. So he was fullfilling her wish, and he was saving her from the ever treacherous Manifest Destiny of death. To love was murder. To love her was more than murder. It was the fatal blow to his repentful soul which was to burn. But she would return home. She was to go to heaven and life her afterlife in love of someone deserving. Not a murderer.   
  
And as Sasuke dragged that blade acrossed his wrist, he smiled. He was so clever to save her. For he already loved her, and to love... to love was murder.....The door opened and Sasuke looked over, Smiling.. a mixture of pain, happiness, confusion, and greatfulness mixing in his eyes, swirling around witht he obvious love of the person who entered to see his blood dripping. As he blacked out slowly, his vision faded, He saw her run over to him.   
  
Sakura had woken in the morning with her lamp still on and her scrapbook still clutched in her arms. Her blankets were unsettled and the window shutters were open just enough to blind her as she attempted to open her eyes to a new day. She felt it right away, the emptiness that was her life, the coldness that was not caused by the late month of December. The jealousy of all those who could enjoy their Christmas this year. She stumbled out of her bed and brushed out her hair, her teeth and calmed her appearance. She covered up her puffy eyes with makeup and smoothed out her clothes. She checked herself times over in the mirror, and although she looked as if nothing was wrong, she still felt it deeply. And something else picked at her too, something that hadn't been there the night before.   
  
Although it was only 8:30, Sakura headed out to the bridge, wrapping herself in her coat tightly. Her frozen breath had come out in clouds and she ran vehemently down the steps, rushing to the shelter of the forest where the wind could not attack her soul like this.   
  
It was so cold... It was so far yet to the bridge and Sakura only wished she could arrive there. She saw a few of her old friends from the Academy in the marketplace, but she did not stop. She was rushing, despite her early departure. Sakura only stopped when something moved in the corner of her eye, just off the path, in the beginnings of the forest. It was a little black bird, his feathers ruffled. A yearling sparrow, Sakura recalled. She turned slowly and picked the bird up, despite it's screams. She wrapped it in her coat, sharing a little bit of her limited warmth. She gazed down on it.   
  
"A bird, this late in winter..." she mumbled to herself, the bird blinking sowly as her breathy cloud surrdounded it in more warmth. It cooed thankfully and nestled itself further into her jacket, taking advantage of the fleece inside. Sakura smiled, her depression slowly leaking away as her maternal instinct kicked in. She continued walking with the bird, forgetting the cold as she went. Sakura slowed down subconciosly, coming to a full stop again to look down at the bird. The wind blew through her hair and she turned to look at her surroundings.  
  
She was at Sasuke's house. Staring for a moment at the door, she realized it was open. Just a crack, but enough for her to notice. She slowly turned and walked up the front steps, stopping on the top level when she heard the board beneath her squeak. She was about to call out, but decided otherwise, and walked in. Immediately she wished she hadn't.   
  
Sasuke turned to her, smiling. His beautiful smile was ruined by the horrible ugliness of the situation, the pain in his eyes. It was the first time Sakura had seen him smile, and she regretted ever wanting to because her wish had come true. She flew to him in a flash, and the bird shrieked as it flew up to the rafters, tweeting down at her. Sakura grabbed his wrist, which was bleeding profusely as he kneeled on the ground. He went limp, His eyes still showing emotion as he passed out. The bird fluttered around above them, screaming in it's own language. Maybe for help, maybe in anger, maybe in sadness... Sakura would never know.   
  
All she remembered was herself crying as she shrieked and shook her friend's limp body.   
  
"SASUKEEE-KUN!" She coughed out, sputtering and shaking as she tried to pick him up and failed. She couldn't, his dead weight was too much for her weak state. She yelled for him again, staring into his blank eyes for a sign of life. She stood up and ran to his phone, picking up the reciever shakily and dialing Kakashi's number. It was all she could remember.   
  
"..mm... hewwo?" Kakashi sounded lethargic and half awake. Sakura didn't notice but instead screamed into the phone.  
  
"Kakashi-sensei! It's Sasuke.. he's hurt... Get here NOW! He's hurt.. Hurry.. PLEASE hurry.." Sakura started crying uncontrollably and covered her mouth, leaning against the wall and sliding down, crying silently as she heard Kakashi jump out of bed and close the line. She still gripped onto the phone as Kakashi rushed in the open door, followed by the Third Hokage and some medical officials. The bird still tweeted up in the rafters and Kakashi rushed to Sakura as the others tended to Sasuke.   
  
The man leaned down in front of her and grabbed the phone from her hand, placing it swiftly in it's place and picking Sakura up. Kakashi hugged her tightly, glancing back at Sasuke and the others in panic as Sakura gripped his shirt, sobbing. He opened his arms again and put his hands on her shoulders, looking straight into her red eyes.  
  
"Sakura... are you okay?" His one visible eye was deeply swirling with shock and fear. Sakura nodded and pushed past him, rushing to Sasuke as they put him on a stretcher.   
  
"He's alive." One of the medical workers said, before rushing out of the door and placing him in an ambulance. Sakura stood for a few moments as the Hokage looked back at her, and finally he closed the door. Sakura stopped sobbing after a few moments, and bent over to grab something she saw on the floor. She picked it up and instantly recognized it as the Kunai she had given Sasuke. She flipped it over and saw, on the bottom edge, the inscription that Sasuke had never read.   
  
The words 'I love you' were clearly filled with the scarlet blood of Sasuke's wrist. She stared at it for a moment, and finally the tears started up again. Sakura looked up, wide-eyed, at her teacher standing acrossed the room. Kakashi took a step towards her And she dropped the kunai, her knees gave in. Kakashi ran to her and grabbed her before she hit the ground, picking her up to a stand and hugging her.  
  
"It's going to be okay, he's alive, he'll be fine..." He comforted her carrying her over to the couch and sitting her down. SHe sat there for a long time, staring out the window, still crying silently.  
  
"Why do you think he did it?" She asked, mumbling as she wrapped her arms around her knees.  
  
"I honestly don't know." Kakashi said, his voice unrealistically calm. "Maybe he just needed a way out." Sakura turned to him, staring.  
  
"A way out from what?"  
  
"Himself."  
  
When Sasuke woke up he was lying in a white hospital bed. His arm throbbed and he had a heavy, dizzy headache. He winced as he opened his eyes and glanced around the room, trying to remember what had happened. Sakura sat by the window, leaning against it and looking out, her back turned to him. Instantly, his brain filled with painful flashbacks. He remembered the piercing red of the blood on his knife, he remembered the shock on Sakura's face as she walked in, and most of all he remembered seeing her cry. He hadn't wanted to make her cry, not at all.  
  
"Sakura." He mumbled, but the girl turned as if he had shouted.  
  
"You're awake!" She tried to smile, but her red eyes gave away the pain he had put her through. Sakura rushed up to the chair beside him and sat down, her eyes brightening just by the awakening of him. "How are you feeling?"   
  
Sasuke propped himself up with his one free arm and stared past her out the hospital window.   
  
"A little sore." he was silent after this, they both were, but Sakura still smiled. It seemed she was scared to see him smile again, like he had when she'd walked in on him cutting his wrist... she shook her head and Sasuke focused in again on her.  
  
"What is it?" He seemed to genuinely care- but he soon covered it up with a mask.  
  
"Oh, it's nothing... just... remembering..." She took a deep breath and shot him another light smile. Sasuke found it harder now to mask his emotions. It took a lot of his thought now to keep a poker face when before it took only a corner of his 'secure' mind.   
  
"Remembering 5 years ago?" He said, reading her thoughts.   
  
"Yes... actually..." Sakura trailed off and began staring down at his hand, laying beside him, covered in bandages. She stared at it for a long time actually. Sasuke began to think. He was sick of it, really, hiding everything.  
  
"What day is it?" Sasuke asked, and Sakura continued to look down at his hand. She closed her eyes, for a few moments longer than a blink, and then opened them, her eyes watering.   
  
"Christmas Eve." There was silence. Sasuke had wasted another Christmas with his toiled up hatred and pain. His fingertips tingled with anger at himself and his brother. He had ruined it for Sakura this year too and it didn't matter if he forever held his damn brother's blood- so be him related to a murderer he would prove God wrong about him, he was better than Itachi.   
  
Sasuke wanted to smile, but it was just as hard as holding it back. He didn't think he was ready. He reached over and grabbed Sakura's forearm, looking at her eyes as she glanced up at him.  
  
"Don't waste your time here. I'll be fine. Just go have your Christmas with Kakashi and Naruto and your family." Sasuke watched as she stood hesitantly. By the door she turned, asking him with her eyes if he was really okay.  
  
"I'll be FINE." He said, trying to smirk at her but only pushing out a grimace.   
  
"Bye then." She said, her mood hanging heavy over him. He waved his hand, pushing her to go.  
  
"Bye, Sakura--" His own thoughts stopped him, and his mouth hung open. Sakura stood but the door, waiting for him to finish. "Sakura-chan." She smiled brightly at him, reaching into her pocket and throwing a Christmas chocolate at him.  
  
"Merry Christmas." Sakura closed the door quietly and stepped quietly down the dark hall. She waved goodbye to the nurse as she put on her coat and walked outside, watching her breath come out in puffs underneath the streetlight.  
  
A/N----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Uh... nothing in particular to say about this chappie ^-^;; thanks for all the reviews... 'tis gonna turn more Xmasie next chap... so LOOK FORWARD TO IT O Sasuke may seem a little OOC though but most people do after attempting to kill themselves... Merry Birthday to me in 9 1/2 days... 25th here I come.. o_o  
  
-Kounouri 


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